Hello my fellow Americans, and all my friends in Ukraine, and most of all my friends in Beijing.
Folks, the people of this nation have spoken, but fortunately my friends Mark at Facebook and Jack at Twitter managed to muffle their voices. They delivered us a clear victory, a convincing victory – Mark, Jack, and our election officials in especially Arizona, Georgia, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. We won with the most votes on the Presidential ticket ever cast in the nation. We were so popular that some people voted for us twenty or thirty times. We were so popular that even imaginary people and three million dead people voted for us.
I am humbled by the trust and confidence you placed in me, I am even more astounded that you are so gullible as to have been taken in by the incessant gaslighting of the mainstream media.
I pledge to be a President who seeks not to divide but unify, including with China. As I’ve said many times before, I’m Joe’s husband, and I would not be here without the support of my husband, er, my wife Jill, and my daughter, and my son Hunter, and all our grandchildren, except the one sired by Hunter with a stripper, the one he denied was his until a court-ordered paternity test proved otherwise.
I will have the honour of serving with a fantastic Vice President, Kamala Harris, the one who said she believed the allegations made against me by Tara Reade, and was utterly humiliated by Tulsi Gabbard.
Now we have to stop treating our opponents as our enemies; more importantly, we have to stop treating our enemies as our enemies. The Bible tells us there is a time to heal. This is a time to heal in America, as soon as we have purged Donald Trump and everyone who supported him from all our institutions.
Our work begins by getting COVID under control; we will do this by using the Trump plan which we have relabelled without accreditation the Biden-Harris plan. And we will unite the country by suppressing all current investigations into pay to play, bribery and corruption in the Democratic Party.
The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Duran.