My fellow Americans,
I thought I would take this opportunity to address you in the manner of the previous occupant of the White House to let you know the progress we have made in our first few days.
I have designated that mask wearing will be compulsory on all Federal property. Some people have commented that I have been seen breaking this rule. What they don’t appear to understand is that there is one set of rules for us Democrats and another set for everyone else. I’d have thought they’d have realised that after what we put Donald Trump through.
I have ordered all work to stop on the wall at our southern border, and I expect there to be a massive increase in the number of migrants crossing it. Many of these migrants will not be wearing masks, and as they will not be screened, some of them could be violent criminal types, but they are all potential future Democrat voters who will be needed as large numbers of especially black men have woken up to the way we have been using them since the 1960s.
I have signed an executive order lifting the ban on transgender athletes, so boys who self-identify as girls can compete against them, and use the same changing rooms. I realise this will upset some feminists, but we’ll just have to deprogramme them along with tens of millions of Trump supporters.
I have set in motion plans to ban fracking just like I said I wouldn’t during the Presidential campaign. The bad news is this will cost the US tens of thousands of jobs; the good news is new jobs will be created in China.
I have cancelled the Keystone XL pipeline, which has annoyed Canada, but there is plenty of oil in the Middle East, although we might have to start another war to get it.
I have rescinded the previous administration’s 1776 Commission so progressives can continue to brainwash especially our youth with the toxic and phony concepts of white privilege and critical race theory.
Finally, I am increasing the minimum wage to $15 an hour. I realise this will cost millions of jobs, but small businesses will be hit the hardest, while the big corporations who back the Democratic Party will pick up most of their trade.
The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Duran.