TheDarkMan
The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of this site. This site does not give financial, investment or medical advice.
Astrologers and so-called psychics are forever making predictions, most of which are too generic to fail or too specific to come true. Here are some near certainties for next year. Sort of.
In January, Joe Biden invites Brittney Griner to a White House gathering where his aides stare in horror as he stands on his desk and sniffs her hair. Three Democrats prepare a motion to remove him from the Presidency under the Twenty-Fifth Amendment, but Chuck Schumer talks them out of it by pointing out that Biden would be replaced by Kamala Harris.
The following month, Biden infuriates the Deep State but delights the rest of the world when he accidentally pardons Julian Assange by handing a handwritten note to a dyslexic affirmative action hire White House intern: “No custard but blancmange with the dessert tonight” – the intern interprets this as “No custody for Assange, pardon tonight”.
In March, Vladimir Putin is assassinated twice. At the end of the month he appears in public saying things are getting better because he was assassinated four times in February.
In April, concerned family members of the artist formerly known as Kanye West have him committed to a private nursing home for a 28 day evaluation following his claim that he is the reincarnation of Julius Caesar. West retaliates by buying the company, sacking all the staff and building a music studio in the basement. Then he writes, produces and directs a remake of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest with himself in the leading role.
In May, ignoring pleas to stay away from his father’s Coronation, Prince Harry and his wife fly into Heathrow. When they pass through customs, the waiting paparazzi stand in shocked silence as a stern-faced Meghan strides confidently towards them while an obsequious Harry trails three paces behind her sporting a black eye.
In June, a man appears in court charged with throwing an egg at the new King during the Coronation. This prompts celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay to come up with the Royal Omelette, made with 4 eggs, King Edward’s potatoes (named after Edward VII) and the slightest twist of ginger to signify a certain departing member of the current Royal Family.
In July, it is revealed that Tiffany Cross has been operating an Only Fans account since being sacked from MSNBC the previous November. She has been charging white supremacist fans $100 for half hour sessions with a virtual bedwench.
In August, after spending two weeks in hospital, ostensibly with an undisclosed illness, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez suddenly reverses her soft on crime stance and also calls for the closing of the southern border. It is then leaked to the press that she had in fact been robbed and severely beaten by a carjacker who turned out to be an illegal immigrant.
In September, Justin Trudeau severs all ties with Britain and proclaims himself King of Canada. The few politicians who protest are arrested and sent to concentration camps.
In October, Xi Jinping is forced to resign following months of rioting. He flees to Canada and claims political asylum. Around the same time, two thousand Canadians flee to China and claim asylum there.
In November, there are protests outside Iranian embassies around the world after two homosexuals are hanged in Tehran. The protesters suddenly fall silent when it is revealed that nine bodies of underage boys had been found buried in the back garden of their house.
In December, Elon Musk although favourite to win the title Man Of The Year is pipped at the post by Rachel Levine.
The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of this site. This site does not give financial, investment or medical advice.
“Prince Harry”? “His father”? Don’t you mean Henry Hewitt, Al? The cuckoo-child foisted on Charles Windsor (and the whole ridiculous royalty circus) by his then-wife Diana Spencer with her lover James Hewitt. Surely at your overdue-for-retirement age, Al, you should be aware by now of the importance of fact-checking, and calling a spade a spade. Isn’t that what fearless, campaigning hacks are supposed to do – or at least pretend to do? BTW, re. that volunteering yourself and your children to be innocent victims of the death-penalty that you wet-dream about so much – how’s that coming along? Surely, as… Read more »
A birth certificate is considered legal proof of paternity. Whose name is on Harry’s birth certificate?
I have no children. With regard to the death penalty, my position is this should be reserved for the worst of the worst, principally serial killers and spree killers who tend to be convicted on overwhelming evidence and often admit or even boast about their crimes.
A birth certificate? An effin’ birth certificate! That’s the best chop-logic you can muster to counter the obvious, widely-understood (amongst the Windsors and their circus-hands too) truth about Henry Hewitt, Al. LOL!
And reserving your vengeance lust for just the nastiest killers doesn’t make a shred of difference to the long-established fact of the judicial killing of innocent people through miscarriages of justice, in death-penalty states.
I really think you should volunteer to be put down wrongly, Al, just to show solidarity with the other – inevitable – innocent victims.
You missed this: In June, Pres Biden is arrested for indecent exposure while urinating on the White House Lawn. He claims he thought they had replaced the bathroon tiles with astroturf.
Thank you for the laughs. I especially liked this one:
“In October, Xi Jinping is forced to resign following months of rioting. He flees to Canada and claims political asylum. Around the same time, two thousand Canadians flee to China and claim asylum there.”
Thank you for this. It cheered me up no end. And I think that one or two of your predictions may come true!