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Scratch a Russian, find a demon

How will America defeat the Russian menace?

According to the recently published treatise by the Special Council Robert Mueller, the treatise also known as Mallēus Maleficārum, a number of demonic Russians, thirteen to be exact, were involved in all sort of nefarious activities on the territory of the United States. One of the charges claims that “after the election of Donald Trump in or around November 2016, Defendants and their co-conspirators used false U.S. personas to organize and coordinate U.S. political rallies in support of then president-elect Trump, while simultaneously using other false U.S. personas to organize and coordinate U.S. political rallies protesting the results of the 2016 U.S. presidential election.”

Indeed, similar to the medieval witches and demons, Russians love to sow the discord.

Americans, known for being loving, caring, happy-campers before Russians came along, are now discovering that they were the subject of endless Russian manipulation going very deep into their history.

British subjects, arriving from their peaceful isle, have brought the good will and all their good products for the native population. In return, they were greeted with turkeys, and gravy, and pumpkin pies. Yet, the conniving Russians have taught both sides to hate and kill each other. They also taught Anglos to give the natives a special drink, known as vodka. Consequently, there are no more natives to talk about.

Peaceful colonists, enjoying their life on these blessed shores, wanted to share their good fortune with the poor inhabitants of Africa. They brought them over here by shiploads. Yet, the Russians, planted the discord again, and have taught the whites to enslave the blacks, while simultaneously teaching blacks to rebel against the beneficial yoke of slavery created for them by their masters solely for their own benefit.

It was the Russians who taught Lee Harvey Oswald to kill Kennedy, and it was Russians who set up the hostility between the democracy-loving Vietnamese and the Americans. The result: 60 thousand dead Americans and millions of bombed and shredded to pieces Vietnamese. It was Russians who put their Golda Meir in charge of Israel and its anti-Arab policy, and it was Russians who are now helping Arab world to fight back. And of course, it was a Russian, who invented and bestowed upon the Americans the greatest sower of discord there is: TV.

There is no need to continue, obviously, since we all know that the less you speak of the devil, the better. So all I can say, now, if you see a Russian, just cross the street. Don’t give him a time of the day. Watch out. He’ll sell you a bad used car. He’ll lie to you; he’ll turn you into a drug-addict. He’ll sell you the gun and will tell you it is your God-given right to have one, and then he’ll organize anti-gun rally. He’ll encourage you to participate in pro and anti Muslim rallies simultaneously.

You worry about your thighs and waist? A Russian will tell you to eat only vegetables, but then he’ll switch the tune and would recommend fats and meats only. He’ll tell you to do exercises and never exercise, drink wine and never touch it, to vaccinate and not to vaccinate. They will tell you that engines pollute, and then they sell you the rocket engines so that you can pollute virgin space. The first gays were Russians (Lenin and Stalin, Marx and Engels) but now they organize anti-gay rallies in Chechnya.

Of course, your first instinct is to trust your own government, but Russians are even there, installing their guy in White House. There is now a rumor that Hillary is Russian, because, only a patient Russian woman would put up with the endless philandering of her husband. In short, poor Americans!  Don’t even trust your husband or wife; avoid your children and parents. Your priest can be Russian, and so could be a your rabbi. He’ll compose music for western, like Rawhide and High Noon, and for the jazz diva Nina Simone (“Wild is the Wind”). Music, books, film, ballet. Does it ever end?

There is only one way to defeat this Russian menace. Shower everyone with love. Give them flowers. Embrace and agree with them. Listen to what they have to say. Try to compromise. Help your fellow human. Defeat the discord with love and care.

I know, I know, that’s too much to ask. Besides, wasn’t it another Russian who was preaching all this?

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The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Duran.

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