Predictions For 2021

Here are twelve predictions from your resident astrologer:

In January, a private members club in Washington awards Kamala Harris the prize for the Most Sinister Cackle Of The Year for 2020. She is only the second winner since the award was instigated in 2012. Hillary Clinton had won it on every previous occasion.

At the beginning of February, President Joe Biden’s plane crashes in Arkansas and he is reported dead. Trying not to look triumphant, Kamala Harris assumes the Presidency. Three days later, after her car is involved in a near fatal collision, she thinks better of it, and resigns from her hospital bed in favour of Hillary Clinton, while Hunter Biden resigns from his post as Drug Tsar.

At the beginning of March, Donald Trump flies to Mozambique, the second poorest country in the world, where he is appointed Minister For Business And Industry. He is given carte blanche to run the economy as he sees fit.

In April, riots from Paris to Delhi to Sydney result in the worldwide lockdown finally being lifted.

By the end of May, death rates from COVID-19 worldwide are shown to be slightly lower than during the lockdown.

On June 1, the trial of Ghislaine Maxwell opens in New York. On June 4, the State calls its first witness, Jeffrey Epstein, who testifies remotely from a secret FBI safe house. Bill Clinton disappears after clearing out the safe at the Clinton Foundation HQ. He is believed to have travelled to a country that does not have an extradition treaty with the United States.

In July, Johnny Depp’s film career is surprisingly resuscitated when he is signed by an obscure production company for £10 million to play the Yorkshire Ripper in a two hour gorefest. Amber Heard turns down the more modest sum of half a million to play the Ripper’s wife, Sonia.

In August, Greta Thunberg is offered one million dollars to pose naked for a men’s magazine. She turns it down but agrees to a compromise of posing topless swimming with dolphins in Florida.

In September, a bill by Rand Paul legalises marijuana and cocaine throughout the United States.

In October, four Mexican drug cartels file for bankruptcy.

In November, the liberalising of Saudi Arabia continues with its first ever beauty contest, which is won by an anonymous woman wearing a green burka.

In December, while visiting his ailing grandmother in Portland, Oregon, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey is dragged from his limousine and beaten to death by an angry mob. His last words are recorded by cameraman Andy Ngô: “I’m on your side! Aaargh!!”