The autonomous Clinton oblast: a refuge from Trumpland

Many Hillary Clinton supporters who feel dismayed at the victory of Donald Trump, are threatening to leave the United States for good. Many are looking to go to Canada, Norway or even Brexit Britain. I have a much better idea. I think they ought to go to a place where they can have total freedom, autonomy and a generally good life.

They should go to Russia. Specifically, they should go to Crimea, their self-professed least favourite part of Russia. Now many of you will be outraged at such a suggestion. I can already here cries of the question: What have the good people of Crimea done to deserve such an inflow of dangerous refugees?

Of course they have done nothing to deserve this and this is why I have created a very specific plan.

In one of the more desolate and uninhabited regions of Crimea, the government ought to create the Autonomous Clinton Oblast. It will be a safe space for all Clinton supporters who cannot bear to live in a country ruled by Donald Trump. In the Autonomous Clinton Oblast, they can find refuge.

The Oblast will have its own laws which are quite different from those in other parts of the Russian Federation. The following activities which are currently crimes in Russia will be legal in this small area: Larceny, money laundering, lying to legal officials, war crimes, rape, the hatred of Russian culture, murder, Ponzi schemes…all will be totally legal in the Autonomous Clinton Oblast.  I personally find all of these crimes abhorrent, but one must tolerate the lifestyle of ethnic Clintons and also respect their territorial integrity.

However, it is important that such fiendish characters do not mix with the good people of Crimea. Therefore, I propose that Donald Trump helps to build a wall around the Autonomous Clinton Oblast so that none of these people can defect to Russia. After all, that would contradict their logic and we can’t have the Clintons and their minions be caught being dishonest, that would simply be a step too far.

But in the spirit of Russian hospitality, one must also be charitable. The interior of the wall ought to be decorate with appropriate art work. But to save tax payer money, instead of providing the residence of the Oblast with proper art supplies, it would be far cheaper to fly Marina Abramović directly into the region, where she and the Podesta brothers can paint the wall with the email passwords of the inhabitants in order to make Julian Assange’s life easier.

Miss. Abramović will be allowed to use blood, urine, semen and breast milk to paint said email addresses because it would be wrong to encroach on the culture of the ethnic Clinton minority, sick though their habits may seem to deplorable Trump supporters.

Because Hillary Clinton loves regulations, a Propiska (registration) system shall be introduced whereby three times a year those living in the Oblast will be able to travel to Yalta and enjoy the lovely scenery. Because the ethnic Clinton minority do not accept democracy, they will at all times be escorted by North Korean style armed guards to protect them from the well wishes of the locals. But don’t worry, the armed guards shall be called ‘moderate rebels’ to make the ethnic Clinton minority feel good about themselves.

What about the costs? Well since many of the Clinton supporters who want to leave the US are wealthy celebrities, it is only fair to take 80% of their money in order to grant them residence permits to the Autonomous Clinton Oblast. This can help to pay for essential services for the rest of Crimea but with the money left over, one might as well built a giant statue of Petro Poroshenko in the heart of the Autonomous Clinton Oblast so that those who live there can throw flowers at it when they get home-sick.

I believe this is a very fair solution to a very idiotic problem. One could even relocate the headquarters of The Civic Platform Part from Moscow to the Autonomous Clinton Oblast, just so they can discuss their hatred for patriotic people together in a place where no one will pay them the slightest bit of attention.

Every now and then, Russian bombers ought to drop canisters of insecticide over the Autonomous Clinton Oblast, just so the citizens can spray the poison at will and convince themselves that they’re close to creating an impenetrable ‘no fly zone’.

This is truly the best decision for all. Let’s just hope that no one rigs their elections and deprives Hillary of yet another victory.