Rising to full height, which wasn’t much more that a tall midget and facing the august panel Cok Scumer read from his brief. “I should like to first point out to the panel that Cycel , born male, overcame great setbacks in life. Cycel being a transgendered individual and taking into account our Democratic Party’s comprehensive intersectional study of bias towards black and transgender proclivities, critical race theory and grievance studies demonstrates the great setbacks Cycel needed to overcome,” Scumer paused for effect, “and all this just for her to be a feminist poet and accepted member of our society!”
Scumer stood aside and Sniff waved to the audience and took the mike. “Yes, we have plans to make changes that we refer to as ‘equality of outcome’. As you know, painting, like literature and music sets out to manufacture trash in the hope that skills will be devalued and that anyone will be able to write a play, paint a picture or compose a musical masterpiece. Should they be sufferers of ‘grievance,’ such as Cycel, then their works should be very highly prized indeed. Not only that, universities will henceforth pass anyone who can demonstrate they have a grievance.”
There were large shouts and cries of approval from the section of the court that contained mainly students of Post-modern Thought (PMT) taught in Professor Maxie’s grievance studies classes. Maxie stood to the applause, fingered his pearl earring turned, smiled and sat back down even though he knew that Sniffy was all about power and authority, and yes, he was a member of the powerful 1 per cent
Our story switches to a small studio in Hollywood where an ex Russian GRU operative called Sergi is playing Albinoni’s adagio in G minor on his base violin. Vladhere offers him a glass of pale coloured liquid, ‘Have a vodka. ‘No thanks… like all UN politicians I’m trying to give up Russian drinks.”
“Yes,” said a somewhat disappointed Sergi. “A 1970’s photograph of Shippy with long hair in a commune just outside LA, a press cutting from the NYT, a birth certificate from an orphanage, a CD of his wife mowing the lawn and a torn photograph of Donald Thump.”
“Good, now tell me about this exotic virus you have discovered,” enquired Vladhere.
Sergi rested the violin and looked upwards, “well now, it was me in my kitchen with WD40, a white turnip maliu float and a pair of black-market red pliers that done it. What a triumph! I have more details … but I can fix it in an instant if that is what you want. All I need is one of Hillary’s fingernails.”
“No, no! We don’t want the antidote we want to use the virus. Our plan is to give it to Doctor Fauchi, our Chinese Agent, for distribution. The virus will only strike those whose wealth is excessive and thus we will bring down the real power of the West, the neo-liberals, the billionaire 1 %.”
So the Russians made their plans in conjunction with the Chinese. The virus would only strike down those whose wealth was excessive. Doctor Fauchi agreed but we were not to know Fauchi was a little dyslexic, as the Chinese often are, and he confused ‘wealth’ with ‘health’. This can easily happen also with the medical profession. Ah … well maybe next time.
However … there were consequences which would cause cities to be shut down, people to stay apart or even home and make them all wear masks, and mail in voting to be used for elections. Even the church became involved where it learnt a new and therapeutically correct language. Sins become diseases and infections, the Eucharist became the equivalent of rescuing antibodies, and Jesus Christ became the great vaccine.
Would all this spell the final nail in the coffin for the ‘West’?
Back in the small studio in Hollywood Sergi explained to Vladhere, “So the frustration regarding the masks and lockdown on the youth has grown to critical proportions.”
“Good grief,” exclaimed Vladhere. “What now?”
Sergi smiled and continued,” a reason for breaking the restrictions has arisen and things are really changing, things that may greatly assist our plans!”
“Well listen to this secretly recorded conversation between two university professors from Evergreen State College.” Sergi flicked open his android and hit the play button.
“What is the difference between postmodern discrimination and Marxist discrimination,” asked Professor George Bridges to Professor Maxie as they were fitting a new kitchen for Maxie’s significant other named Barrie.
“Well,” said Professor Maxie as he paused and waved a floral handkerchief to wipe some damp from his forehead before installing the sink plug, “it is largely a matter of feeling the difference or the sensation of being aware of the difference just as I can feel the difference between a warm Moet champagne or a cold Moet champagne after I taste it. Hopefully that will happen shortly.”
“You mean postmodern black lives matter is like warm Moet champagne?” asked Professor George Bridges slowly shaking his head in confusion.
“In more ways than one,” replied Professor Maxie as he repositioned the plug. “You see the taste of warm Moet champagne makes me feel pain whereas with cold Moet champagne my spirits rise. This might not be the same for a Marxist as opposed to a postmodern Moet champagne taster. The Marxist Moet champagne taster will have an objective set of standards or a thermometer he uses to judge the temperature whereas the postmodern taster just feels the sensation which may differ depending on the circumstances.”
“You mean if he is in an igloo?”
“Well it is mighty hot here so to drink a cold Moet later would be just perfect.”
“Not according to the postmodernist. Later is not an option.”
“The circumstances might change depending which tavern we use. That LGBT disco where all the attendants wear sexy clothing is very different to our local where the barmen wear only jockstraps.”
“So even if the Moet is the same it might feel different,” asked Professor Bridges beginning to get the drift.
“Right, everything depends on time, place, air conditioning, phases of the moon, whether the tide is in or out, what the attendants are wearing, etc.”
“So what they are wearing can affect postmodern BLM.”
“I see you are getting the drift,” replied Professor Maxie as he adjusted his single pearl earring.
“Maybe that is why Harry teamed up with Daryl. He was a very sexy black attendant you know. This postmodern BLM seems to have its advantages just like finishing this dammed kitchen will.”
Meanwhile later that month back in the small studio in Hollywood Sergi explained to confused Vladhere, “Our failed plans are suddenly working thanks to American ‘wokeness’. The virus has again taken hold and the country is crumbling. Dr Fauchi is over the moon.”
“You mean riots, fighting in the streets?”
“Not quite. It will depend on this other virus, the ‘wokeness’ virus.”
Sergi placed a copy of the ‘Mongolian Herald’ on the table and spread it to the ‘in the stars’ section by ‘Cowdisley Shovel’. “Just look here and read this.”
Vladhere bent down and began to read:
‘It is really difficult to lock away satire regarding the vices and follies of manufactured regimes and their rulers. The healthy society can be easily recognized by how much the population adores the comedians and satirists among them whether they employ a linguistic wit or a bumptious parody: the last being the most dangerous to any practitioner in a ‘sensitive’ regime.
‘Just to remind everyone of the greatest antidote to economic, political and social control is humor.
‘We all know that the Russians admire their comedians and from my experience the Chinese are not averse to joking about their rulers, particularly the local ones, it all forms part of their ancient culture. From the 60’s to the late 90’s the British led the English speaking world in political and social satire. Presently the Western world has few practitioners. Bear in mind they don’t have to satire anything but the social norms and that always punishes the elite.
‘Also just ask why some of the best jokes uncounted come from the ranks of common soldiers. Then ask why when such folk unite they form a much more formidable force than any army of sycophants or puppets. How would Blackadder die in action as opposed to Donald Trump or Bill Clinton is the real question.
“As a bellwether indication to international relationships it is revealing to see how much both parties appreciate the back and forth comments containing satire. In this I see Trump is struggling whereas Biden misses it altogether.
“Here is the bottom line. Where profit or money is involved America has no humor and I predict such will be their downfall, their Waterloo. Everyone knows those quotes from the ‘Merchant of Venice’.
“Ask yourself is there any humor in the hospitals regarding Covid 19 among the carers? If and when there is we will know that we are on the way to its defeat.”
Vladhere straightened and looked at Sergi, “How does this help us with ‘wokeness’?”
Sergi smiled and opened his hands as if cupping a truth. “Wokeness is the virus that destroys humor. There is no fun, laughter or satire in wokeness. Wokeness combined with the two geriatric leaders of the ‘free world’ and their geriatric supporters will allow for an explosion of humor in China and Russia. Wokeness, religious fundamentalism and political dysfunction become the internal virus’ you cannot fight with guns or sanctions. We need only to wait for it to spread.”
Vladhere lent back smiled and said, “Bring on the clowns! ‘Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.’ ‘Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little.’ ‘All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.’ Or from Shakespeare: ‘Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.’”
“OK, I will have that vodka now and perhaps after that go to that Chinese restaurant on the corner.”
The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Duran.