Here’s your guide to becoming a western mainstream media friendly ‘Russia expert’

WARNING: This is NOT Satire. It  happens every day in most major western cities.

Western television screens are filled with so-called ‘Russia experts’, they come in all shapes and sizes, men and women, old and young. But just what does it take to qualify as a ‘Russia expert’ in the minds of the western mainstream media?

Here’s your CV checklist if you want to be on CNN, ABC, CBS, MSNBC or state-owned British broadcaster BBC as a bona-fide/fake news style ‘Russia expert’.

1. Harbour A Contempt For Russia 

This can express itself in many ways. One need not only dislike and misunderstand the Russian government, a successful candidate will also dislike Russia’s traditional conservative culture, Russia’s Orthodox Christian traditions and Russian society’s emphasis on traditional families.

If one mocks Russian cuisine and plays on fake stereotypes about all Russians being drunk on vodka 24 hours a day, this will help separate you from the rest of the pack.

2. Mislead Your Audience About The Russian Opposition 

Russia has three powerful opposition parties, but because each of these parties is patriotic and none of them follow the western post-cultural, post-modern liberal agenda, they must be ignored.

If you mention the Communist Party of the Russian Federation, the Liberal Democratic Party of Russia or A Fair Russia when discussing Russian opposition, you will not qualify.

Instead, one must search for Russian ex-pats and occasionally obscure obscurantists in Russia and call them the ‘opposition’. Such individuals can be easily found in the defendant’s cage in Russian court rooms being tried for criminal fraud. They can also  be found doing shady business deals in cities like Berlin, London and New York.

Make sure to focus on the fact that they want to introduce a neo-liberal economy to Russia and ignore their racism and Islamophobia. When in doubt, photo-shop a picture of them holding a rainbow flag, just to be safe.

READ MORE: 5 steps to becoming a western approved Russian ‘opposition leader’

3. Have No Knowledge of Russian History 

If the years 1612, 1812 and 1945 mean something to you, you should probably look for a different position in the western media. Toilet cleaner is an option.

But for those who use cameras and microphones as their lavatorial utensils, you shouldn’t know anything about Russian history and you certainly should not know why certain events remain important to Russians.

It helps to mock Russians who celebrate events like Victory Day on the 9th of May. Please ignore the fact that many people outside of Russia also celebrate the victory over fascism. This can get in the way of the narrative.

Please though, do not limit your ignorance to Russian history, it is important that you are equally ignorant about recent events.

It is imperative that you describe how Russia invaded places it hasn’t invaded and has committed war crimes that have actually been committed by those who hate Russia. This is a BIG selling point.

READ MORE: Russia’s long history of resilience in the face of invasion and occupation

4. Don’t say the ‘F’ word, unless you’re talking about Russians that is. 

When gangs in western Ukraine, Latvia, Estonia and elsewhere march with Nazi symbols and chanting death to those whom Hitler targeted, PLEASE do not call them fascists. 

The following terms are acceptable

–Anti-Russian activists

–Liberal nationalists

–Moderate rebels

–Pro-Europeans

–Freedom fighters

–Anti-government protesters

In spite of the fact that fascism is historically Russia’s profoundest modern enemy, feel free to slander modern Russian leaders as fascists.

READ MORE: Fascism exists in Ukraine, not in America

 5. Talk About Your Visit To Russia In The 1990s 

Although people who have never been to Russia and have no Russian friends are perfectly acceptable candidates, it can help if one went to Russia in the 1990s. Please use the following template to describe your experience.

“I felt really important going to Russia, everything was so cheap, I plundered…sorry, purchased some priceless art for around $50.

Everyone was either drunk or a prostitute and that’s because Russians are just not as sophisticated people as we are in the west”.

Such horrible racist and false remarks can be heard on a daily basis in many western cities. Many westerners who engaged in the economic plunder of Russia in the 1990s have totally ignored the fact that a combination of western economic pirates, devious NGOs and Russian political traitors turned a strong and proud country into a wasteland over night.

One of the reasons they hate Vladimir Putin is because he not only restored Russia’s strength,but brought new levels of prosperity and independence to Russia.

READ MORE: Russia’s Recovery: The Story of ‘the Putin Miracle’

6. When All Else Fails, Go Full Pervert 

If you are not able to fulfil any of the above criteria, you can simply explain how the obscene acts you engage in and publicly display in your western homelands are generally frowned upon in Russia.

The fact that you cannot engage in an un-Godly act in a Russian church for example, should be used to show that Russia has ‘no human rights’.

Remember, in the wild, wild west, it’s no longer called ‘perversion’, it’s called ‘diversity’.