Gopher Wars

The problem with my large garden is the gophers. On the eastern side are the Eastern pocket Gophers and then there are the Smoky pocket gophers in the west. There are at least 5 colonies or warrens that used to continually fight until I gave them all sufficient food by planting a large garden full of root vegetables. That seemed to calm things for a while but now they want to fight again and I cannot work out why. I do know that the Western Gopher population is slowly reducing but their aggressive behaviour seems to be increasing.

Meanwhile in the aforementioned western zone Jason Gopher and Albert Gopher are still digging a home for Albert’s newly pregnant wife. As Jason continued to scrape away at a seemingly impenetrable oak tree root that obstructed his direct path he commented, “You realize Albert that after we discovered that females eating celery roots combined with green chilli roots prevented babies things have changed a lot.”

“Well I’ll tell you one thing for sure,” replied Albert. “My wife Elaine used to have at least 6 babies at a time now it is only two. If this keeps up we will be extinct in a month! Also there is the rumour that green chilli root can cause cancer.” He looked across at Jason and smiled. “Did you hear the latest joke? What does a cancerous Gopher look like?”

“Now, now Albert telling that joke will not make you many friends,” said Jordan.

“I know,” said Albert. “These days we must be very careful about making any jokes at all. My eldest told me last night that how you feel on the inside determines what you are, a male or female Gopher.”

“What did you reply?”

“Nothing! I could have said ‘how about you feel between your legs’ but you know today’s gophers are much more educated than me.”

Jordan stopped his work and said, “and that is our problem right there Albert, I doubt that particular Gopher will produce many offspring.”

Albert resumed digging and commented mournfully, “When I was young my whole family was together, sharing everything and looking after one another, now everything has changed. Some of the young ones have meetings that say they all want ‘justice’ and to live above ground. Don’t they know about the eagles and hawks?”

Jordan sighed and muttered as if to himself,”The burrows is a great economy, but gopher society is not benefiting because of the robber baron mentality of the top 1% controlling the production and selling of carrots and radish. Also the spear makers work for the politicians. The general gophers of the lower burrows like us get no benefit at all.”

Meanwhile over on the Eastern side …“I don’t care what you ‘feel’,” bellowed Moment Gopher to the large gathering of Eastern gophers belonging to OWR (Organization for Western Resistance).“What we want is action. What we want is resistance. What we want is every Gopher regardless of being male or female, albino or grey, long or short, religious or not, to dispense with any feeling of individuality and join our struggle.“That the Western gophers have developed the deadly ‘extract of noeyela’ which supposedly blinds gophers within a meter will not deter our brave forces.“Our individuals are strong, our families are strong, our homes are strong, our burrows are strong and our borders are invincible. Lift your claws and lift your spirits, tomorrow we will conquer all those who stand against us, we will scatter them to the far corners of the garden and we will take over their burrows.”“Squeek, squeek,” came the thunderous chorus of Eastern gophers as they lifted their paws towards the cavern roof.So the stage is set. Who can save the day? Will it be the new charismatic leader of the Western gophers aptly named Thumper Gopher, or will Moment Gopher prevail?